I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
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Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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