he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
