She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
