Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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