I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
