omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
