Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
