tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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