right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
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How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
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She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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