broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
