im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
