She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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