Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
