I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
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We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
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This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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