I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
