You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
