I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
