Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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