My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
