I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
