he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
