My liver just broke up with me...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
