i think my tv is drunk
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
