If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
