god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
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My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
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You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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