saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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