Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
