I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
