I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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