Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
