i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
