ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me