Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.