he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.