i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
