Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
