...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
