I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
