I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
