life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
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The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
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I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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