If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
