I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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