cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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