Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
