apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
