There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
love makes seman taste better
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
