you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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