Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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