i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
