Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
