That's when you crack a 10am beer
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
