i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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