i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
