she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
being pregnant is like rehab
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
