I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
